Drift away

I had an ecg today. It means “electro cardio gram”. I’m not 100% sure what it measures but it’s something to do with heart function.

The nurse wires you up then plays a little box like a xylophone. It makes a weird electronic noise. The analysis of the results is outsourced somewhere so the nurse has to ring up and find out the status.

The nurse really knows nothing and doesn’t want to get involved. I heard her remonstrating with the clinician on the other end of the phone. The results are abnormal. Is he being followed up she asks three times. The nurse prevaricated obviously it’s too demeaning to ask the patient “I don’t get involved she says” “if the psychiatrist is worried they will contact the patient”. I hear them saying how I had an abnormal result in 2019. I am sat there thinking how this is now gonna make it impossible for me to get travel insurances,

Anyway they didn’t whip me round to A&E but released me into the streets with zero explanation, I fumbled for my phone to ring my nurse. She is not available.

I feel like fuck.

You know if I do have a heart problem and it’s not just a blip. How easy would it be to just drift away.

A release from the world

Death the great friend

Since 2016 and the rise of Trump I have precisely zero sense of safety in this world. I woke up to the fact that fascism never died and had been living on my street. And what’s more the idiots are massing. It’s like Nathan Barley and the rise of the idiots.

I could fight back

But I’m not sure I can do it

I dunno

I am brave

I asked my beau out on a date even though it was risky. I gambled to get his phone number and then when he told me to stop texting him I did.

He left me confused with mixed messages

But this fight im not sure

Maybe let my heart wither.

I know that’s not the right answer

It’s like when we were reading Orwell’s 1984 at high school and I became trapped in that paradigm at that stage not being able to see the curve in the universe.

The other night I turned on the radio and heard about Islamic Fascists be heading a 12 year old boy while his mother and sibling listened.

This can’t be the world??

A world of such horrors.

I can’t escape the horror

Death seems like a release.

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