Fleeting moments

I was really upset when I fell out with LM or she fell out with me. She’d always said one of my strengths was my flexibility and willingness to learn and that’s what she liked about me.

Maybe in the past I have been a little reactionary to feminist issues. I still don’t think I understand what it’s like for women but I still don’t buy into all the propaganda and I certainly think there has been a culture of witch hunts which have spread into other areas of life. Maybe I am wrong or seeing it wrong, anyway…

I feel like I wanna learn and grow as a person. I am doing online therapy and might do something like Alexander technique.

I really want to overcome my anxiety and work on other areas of my life.

One area is occupation. I feel kind of blocked from the work I wanna do. I lack concentration. I can’t earn money. I’m not even sure if I’m in the right city or country. This links into my ideas about community where I feel I might have more friends if I lived in Berlin or Bolinas (the poetic community near San Francisco).

I kind of feel hedged in by my bipolar diagnosis and medication. In theory I know there are things I could do like exercise, yoga and diet which would help but I can’t seem to make headroom.

The problem is that before my mental health situation got very very dangerous. I don’t trust a lot of therapists and guides because it was them that led me over the edge. LM advocates harm reduction approaches to mental health among other things. I just feel so traumatised about how scary my last episode was that I don’t ever wanna go back there. Unfortunately for better or worse I have to trust the psychiatrists (who have tonnes of their own issues as a service). The whole bipolar side of me feels too big and too unmanageable. It’s really really terrifying.

I don’t really feel comfortable talking to a therapist about it anymore. Furthermore there is just no “infrastructure” for disabled people. There is no way to chart a meaningful path through life or at least no services to help you navigate what you wanna do. You are just supposed to take the pills and maybe attend some optional art course but no one will even much encourage you to do it. Because of side effects from medication it’s impossible for you to hold down a full time job yet you are still expected to provide for yourself, survive the housing market, buy food and clothing. It’s just a cluster fuck of crap really.

I might come back to this later…

Sex life seems hard. I feel about as sexually attractive as a giant avocado. The grocery guy I found adorable but he was just like some random straight guy who I had a crush on. Having crushes on random straight guys isn’t going to lead to much satisfaction but then Grindr and the gay dating world are like an entire Holocaust unto themselves.

I feel like the medication holds me back a lot but I’ve got to the point where I darent tamper with it. I’ve taken on more of the mantle of being a disabled person. In a way I would much rather go in a much more radical direction and do a fuck ton of yoga and herbs and exercise and inner work and work my way through to a state of increases mental clarity and alertness but the real danger is that I just crush and burn again into a flailing heap in the floor or in a loony bin or I just end up dead by suicide.

I used to like the guidance of my peer counsellor but how can I trust them when they guided me straight towards the rocks?

My mums view, the nurses view the psychiatrists view that I just pop the pills, stay indoors and play nice and accept all the dogma. That doesn’t seem like the way but also doing like a big science experiment with my life doesn’t seem like the way either.

Hmmm.

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